by Yana Hoffman
What influences our attraction and bond to another?
There is a well-established phenomenon, held by leaders in the fields of relationship research and therapy, that we choose romantic relationships in which we can revisit and heal childhood wounds.1 These experts believe that we are, unconsciously, attracted to people who interact with us in both the positive/nurturing ways and the hurtful/negative ways our caregivers did. 2
It follows, then, that our love choices are guided by wounds from unmet needs as well as the positive experiences of being loved. Most of these wounds are relational or attachment wounds. They occur, for example, if we were ignored when we needed attention, were punished when we needed understanding, were shamed when we felt confused, or felt afraid when we doubted there was a competent loving adult in charge of our care.
Neglect of our emotional and attachment needs can result in trauma.
Relational wounds are debilitating and the degree to which we were left to endure them on our own influences the degree of trauma we experience in childhood.
Trauma does not just emerge from living in a war zone, enduring assault, or losing someone central in our life. Trauma can arise from any impactful event that we are left to process alone. It is not so much the “event” that determines our overall distress level, but how alone we feel integrating its impact 3. This was noted in studies done after 9/11, which found that people who had a strong support system were less likely to experience PTSD.
Partners with similar wounds often learn to deal with them differently. So even if we "share" a wound we can find it challenging to relate to our partner's. Another phenomenon in relationships is that we are often attracted to people who were wounded in the same way we were but who use different adaptive behaviours4 to cope. We call this “dovetailing” because our coping mechanisms fit together in such a way as to lock in place—which results in being repeatedly at odds with each other.
This is why we can find defensiveness when in conflict with a loved one. The wound may be the same—i.e. not enough attention as a child—but one partner uses a relentless pursuit for connection to cope and one avoids connection by shutting down and withdrawing.
Couples' therapy offers more than one way to work with these patterns. In slightly different ways, each therapy model aims to guide couples to work as a team to heal their wounds. Compassion and forgiveness are generated as each sees the basis for the other's pain and learns to take hurtful behaviour less personally. This helps couples stay calm when conflict threatens their connection or becomes adversarial.
Healing in a relationship can be approached in many ways, and each can be successful. Some modalities look at a couple’s power dynamic: Are you grandiose or shame-based?5 Some assess where we are stuck developmentally5. Some look at how we respond to attention and connection seeking6. Some use inner-child work (mentally visiting yourself at younger ages to offer compassion and companionship) to create healing. Dr. Sue Johnson's approach is based on attachment needs 7. Each method addresses one or more facets of conflict, often inspired by the developer's own history, to elicit the required motivation and stamina to do the difficult work of healing as a couple.
While many factors influence the success of counselling, two are paramount:
- Love, compassion and respect for yourself and your partner.
- An understanding that healing with another is more powerful than facing the world on our own.
Other important factors include being able to choose connection over winning, being vulnerable, using "I" rather than "you" statements, and being able to see your triggers without blaming your partner.
THE BASICS
Sometimes couples stay together even when repeatedly feeling hurt, misunderstood, alone and even abused. Why would anyone choose to continue in a painful relationship? One reason is that our partner's pain can mirror our own. When we love someone we often tune into them on subtle levels. Our partner may act indifferent or angry but we sense their despair and recognize that our own pain may be being reflected back to us. We might not always have the capacity to recognize that our partner is in a young, hurting place, but when we can, we can offer kindness because abandoning them feels like abandoning ourself.
So, regardless of how hurt or helpless we feel, compassion and a desire to alleviate suffering allows us to soften and our heart opens, and thus, repair and reconnection are ignited.
Of course, physical or emotional abuse or psychological attacks are never healthy and cannot be endured. Removing ourselves from such situations is appropriate until these patterns of behaviour are addressed and corrected. Short of emotional and physical harm, however, if we can look deeper and shift the focus from what is done to us to what we can do for us, we can, with proper tools, find ways to join together and heal.
Relationships Essential Reads
Do you recognize yourself in these dynamics? If so, you don’t need to give up. There are many therapy modalities for couples. Search until you find one with tools you both relate to.
Join together and start healing.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
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Are You Staying in a Relationship Even Though It Hurts? - Psychology Today
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