Need some help navigating tricky holiday situations? Send your questions to Miss Conduct.
My husband and I moved to a new town in autumn 2019. Our neighbors were nice, and also all seemed to be friends with one another. Cue home renovations, COVID with an immunocompromised family member — and now I feel like we kind of missed the boat in terms of getting to be more friendly with them, especially since they all seem to have existing friendships. Any advice for how we could potentially make friends without it seeming awkward now that it’s been a few years?
M.D. / Norfolk
But there was a pandemic! Which means it’s not awkward at all, or at least no more awkward than everything else is, because, again: pandemic. This isn’t a Victorian novel, no doyenne is going to deem you and your family “unclubbable” because you failed to call within some prescribed time period.
If there’s some way you can set up for outdoor entertaining, with a fire pit or heat lamps, do it. Take advantage of the holiday season to make your debut and start introducing yourself around, and perhaps host something. Then plan something bigger for early ‘22 — January and February tend to be socially dead months, which makes them ideal for party-throwing.
Entertaining outdoors is not only safer, but more high-profile, and this is something you want and need: your own little visibility campaign. Make a point of being out and about. Sit on your porch or deck, take walks, do yardwork during high-traffic times of day. Put lights up, seasonally or year-round. Put your name on your mailbox. Seeing people’s faces and names repeatedly creates an unconscious sense of liking (psychologists call it the “mere exposure effect”). If there is an online presence for your neighborhood, a Buy Nothing group or Nextdoor or whatever, join it, to make your name familiar and learn a few names in advance yourself.
The fact that your neighbors are friends sparks anxiety from our clique-ridden teen years, but it’s actually a good thing. It’s easier to join a group than to nurture a dozen one-on-one friendships. And no matter how much they like each other, they’re almost certainly a little tired of each other as well, and a new face will be welcome.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.
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November 18, 2021 at 01:16AM
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How do we get to know the neighbors, even though we’re no longer new to the area? - The Boston Globe
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